I’ve been thinking about the things people said or did that encouraged me or discouraged me as a single woman who desired marriage.
Things that discouraged or rankled:
- Assumptions by marrieds that I had a lot of extra time to volunteer or babysit, or no social life because I wasn’t married with a family. In some ways a single is busier because there is no division of duties. I had to clean the house and get the oil changed in the car. Bottom line: A single person has to prioritize their time just like everyone else, and the unmarried state doesn’t necessarily equal loads of free time.
- The spiritualizing of my unmarried state, especially by someone who married in their young 20s: “There’s so much you can do for God because you’re single–just like the apostle Paul!” No matter how sincerely meant by well-intended people, this never came across well. For one thing, Paul himself was a biblical exception. Most people in the Bible were married.
- You must be picky. There are varying definitions of “picky.” I know that some thought that my moral standards were too high, and others may have thought that marriage itself was the goal rather than being married to the right man. Whatever their definition, this statement made me overanalyze what might be 1) wrong with me, and 2) wrong with my standards, and 3) never helped me make any positive change I needed to make.
Words that encouraged:
- It gave my confidence a little boost when someone said, “I don’t understand why you’re not married!” Others have found this same statement discouraging because it can also imply, “You look all right and seem normal so what’s wrong with you?” But here’s why I received it as a compliment: I didn’t come across as embittered or jealous or angry or desperate. Too many men and women who desire to marry become bitter, and it shows.
- Personal stories of people my age who married encouraged me. While it was fall-down-on-the-ground discouraging in my 20s to hear the story of a couple finally finding a mate in their 50s (Oh Lord! Preserve me from THAT–the fate worse than death!), it gave me hope when the story was about people were closer to my age or a little older. I still love hearing about the very unpredictable and improbably ways that people meet and marry, and now I love sharing my own story when it seems appropriate.
- Reminders of God’s faithfulness, sovereignty and higher ways. Often these reminders came through Scripture. The God who takes care of sparrows also watched over me and had a plan for me. I also held onto scripture passages like those in Hebrews that talked about the great faith of men like Abraham and women like Sarah. They trusted God with His promises for a nation of people, surely I could trust Him with my heart and life. It was also helpful to hear stories of God’s faithfulness from my friends, and from church family and other speakers.
I would love to hear from you about this! What kinds of things discourage and encourage you? In the spirit of this post please share at least one thing you find encouraging for every discouragement you write about. You didn’t think I was going to let you register only complaints, did you?!
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My biggest discouragement has been: You are not trying hard enough to find Mr. Right. (GGGRRR)
My biggest encouragement: You are the just wonderful as you are and one day a Mr. Wonderful is going to be lucky to snap you up.
Great post!
Thanks, scribblingwriterchick!